I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good

[alt_ron]

What the merry flip?

I mean. Really.

'Hello, my name is Ronald Weasley, so good to meet you, ma'am. May I offer you my seat? Could I bring you a glass of punch? Hang up your fur stole? What did you say? Could I take your terrier outside for a whizz? Oh, certainly. No bleedin trouble at all.' smile ... smile

'Good evening, sir. My name is Ronald Weasley. Oh, quite right, sir, you do outrank me. You should certainly go before me in the queue.'

At least Greengrass and Macmillan were sporting about it. We were next to Dunstan and Nott--and they were not playing nicely with Fawcett. At all.

Comments

[alt_terry]

What on earth were you doing?

[alt_neville]

Role-playing. There was a long lecture about how we're going home for the holidays and need to know all about how to behave properly around guests. Madam Umbridge was banging on and on about precedence: there's the Lord Protector, and the Council wizards, and then wizards are ranked by how many pureblood generations they have. Then three-quarter bloods, halfbloods, squibs and finally muggleborns. But there are all sorts of other little rules: holding office gives you a one-level boost, for example. The rank of the higher spouse determines the rank of both members of a marriage, if both are attending an event. Otherwise, each carries their own rank.

Then everyone drew cards, like, say, 'Your mother's eldest aunt' or 'A Division Director at the Ministry' or 'A Council Member' and you had to demonstrate how you would hold a conversation with a person like that. Sometimes there was some other piece of information like an upcoming business deal, or a relative is marrying into the person's family. We were in groups, and we had to score each other.

Then Madam Umbridge gave out a bunch of badges. Everyone was sort of snorting over what they said, but trying not to let on in front of her. They said things like, 'Diligent helper' or 'Always tries hard.'

She had this look on her face as she was handing them out, like she was giving out lollies to two year olds.

[alt_sally_anne]

So what was your badge for, Neville?

[alt_neville]

Uh, 'Knows His Place.'

Which is really sort of double-edged, since I'm pureblood (not that I care a jot), but I'm from a bloodtraitor family.

[alt_pansy]

We didn't quite handle how to deal with that in the Precedence lesson. I think we would've benefited from learning the appropriate dirty look to give, or how to snub in a way that shows the maximum amount of class.

[alt_sally_anne]

Well, she DID ask in her journal whether we had any further questions...

[alt_pansy]

I think the ideal etiquette would be to spit on the person in question's shoes, and then raise the right side of the upper lip while backing away slowly and staring. But I'm not entirely sure.

[alt_sally_anne]

That must be right; if you backed away slowly, THEN spit on their shoes, you'd undoubtedly miss, and then where would you be? IN DISGRACE, THAT'S WHERE.

[alt_pansy]

And horror of horrors, at the next fancy party, you'd be... LOWER ON THE LIST.

[alt_sally_anne]

Mine said, 'Polite to her Betters.'

[alt_terry]

Eww.

[alt_pansy]

I know.

[alt_pansy]

Well, you'd better keep being polite to me! Otherwise, I might not find you useful any more, and where would you be then?

Vom.

[alt_sally_anne]

Well that was surely what she was getting at, don't you think? That's probably why yours was 'Gracious Leader' or whatever she put on it.

If she wants to call me a kiss-arse she should just say it, like Patil.

[alt_sally_anne]

NOT THAT SHE EXCUSED ME FROM THE ETIQUETTE LESSON even though it's clear I already know how to get along!

[alt_ron]

Yeah. I think she wanted you there to show how it's done.

Umbritch came round to Fawcett's group and told her she ought to pay more attention to how you comport yourself. When she got to them, Fawcett was sort of standing off by herself, not really taking part, y'know? But that's because Nott had just been telling her to shine his shoes. I was trying not to pay attention, but the way he said that, you probably could have heard him on your side of the room. And I think Dunstan had a card that said she was a Department Head at the Ministry interviewing candidates, because I heard her ask Fawcett what had made her think she'd possibly deserve a job in Dunstan's office.

We had sort of a laugh with it in our group, actually. But mostly we just laughed at what Madam Hem-hem said. Greengrass can really imitate her, too. Of course, she was really quiet about it. But it was dead hilarious! The hardest part was not falling out laughing when Umbritch came round and started talking at us.

[alt_sally_anne]

Our group was pretty funny, too. Morag was supposed to be somebody's great aunt, and she put on this creaky old lady voice and asked a bunch of questions about whether we'd been studying 'Intra Profundis' in Dark Arts class and then she went on and on about what a good book it was, so educational, so detailed, you know.

It livened things up a bit. She said that even if Madam Umbridge overheard, well, not falling down laughing when an old lady says something she doesn't know is funny? that's an important etiquette skill.